


Love in The Dark

by LinguistLove_24



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 13:24:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinguistLove_24/pseuds/LinguistLove_24
Summary: AU one shotPost White House*RE-POST





	Love in The Dark

**Love In The Dark**

 

 

Hillary lay curled up on their marital bed. It was theirs, not to be laid on by any other occupying residents as the bed they'd shared in the White House would have seen almost immediately after their departure. Despite that they'd returned to normal (or whatever semblance of it former high office officials ever saw after their duties and terms came to an end) life, the new sleeping quarters hadn't seen much love made or felt within its walls.

 

 

He'd asked what she wanted to do, whether she had it in her to stand by him this time, or whether he'd finally screwed up enough that the last piece of string attaching them to each other had unravelled. They'd promised each other to grin and bear it in the presence of the public, and the media had yet to become any the wiser for their little charade. She still hadn't given him an answer, for a while wasn't sure whether or not she even knew what she wanted the answer to be, but it was becoming clearer as the air between them became colder and thicker.

 

 

Silent tears fell down her face, and she lay still, unmoving, legs pulled to chest almost in a ball, didn't want to exert the energy necessary to wipe them away.

 

 

“Hill?” Knocking lightly on the open bedroom door, he stepped inside without waiting for invitation.

 

 

“Please go away,” she said flatly, voice smaller than usual as she fixed her gaze on the middle of the wall closest to her, refused to crane her neck and turn away from it.

 

 

Ignoring her request, he stepped nearer, boldly crawled onto the bed when he got close enough.

 

 

“Hill.” The shortened form of her name was whispered against her ear, heat of his breath coating it. Hatred bubbled up inside her, at him for the transgressions he'd committed which still held power enough to make her insides fold in on themselves and at herself for allowing her resolve to be weakened even the slightest bit, for liking the familiarity of his breath, his body close to her own.

 

 

“Baby, please look at me. Please talk to me, we need to talk.”

 

 

Squeezing her eyes tightly closed, a fat, lone tear made its way down her face as if it were the last one she had left inside of her. All the pain, anger and frustrations of the last years seem to be riding on that one drop of salty wetness, making its way to the outside and signifying the start of a volcanic eruption. The beginning of the end was right there in front of them, but she was the only one who could see it. She needed to make him see it, too.

 

 

_“Stop_ calling me baby,” she said forcefully, unable to take any longer how the endearment had come to make her feel patronised rather than dear to him. “Please, stop.” 

 

 

“But I love you,” he murmured softly, stretching himself out behind her and folding his arms around her scrunched form.

 

 

“Do you?” Voice was laced with ice and fire all at once; she knew he did in his way, but she couldn't stop all the emotions finally cutting themselves loose. “Because you destroyed me, and you don't utterly destroy people you claim to love.”

 

 

“Of course I do,” he affirmed, his own voice getting louder. “I know what I did was beyond wrong, I know I hurt you, but we can fix it. We'll be okay.”

 

 

“There's no 'we' any more, Bill. It's you versus me. Been that way for a long, long time.”

 

 

“Hillary...”

 

 

“I want a divorce.”

 

 

Heart dropped to his feet, and he swallowed hard. “No. Don't throw that word around, please don't.”

 

 

“I'm not.” She couldn't allow her resolve to be broken again, knew she had to trust in the decision her gut had been screaming at her to make for an undetermined amount of time. “I want a divorce.”

 

 

He'd said he wouldn't contest her if she so decided on it, but when it had slipped from his lips it was said in an effort to placate her, attempt to keep them together, not drive them further apart. It seemed he'd become more and more masterful at making a mess of things, saying the opposite of what he should've.

 

 

Feeling the heat of his gaze on the back of her head, the silence was too much for her. It needed filling, and she knew she needed to say what she'd kept buried for far too long before she lost nerve enough to do it.

 

 

“You meant so much to me for such a long time that sometimes I lay here alone with you in the other room and question whether I know myself without you. I stood beside you and watched you self destruct, tried so hard to love you enough to pick you up again, but felt you slowly and repeatedly pull me down with you. I can't do it any more. I can't love you and I can't let you love me because it hurts.

 

 

“I can't take how broken I feel any more at the hands of you, don't want to give you power enough to break me again. We just keep getting caught up in this never ending circle of toxicity, and I'm so tired. I can't say I don't love you, that I could ever totally stop, but I have to try. I need to learn to love myself alone, and I need you to let me.

 

 

“I need to let go of whatever I've been holding on to that has been keeping us together, because holding on isn't working. Days of silence and not knowing what to say, tiptoeing around you afraid to give you the answer I know you didn't want to hear, all of that was hard, but I can't keep going around blindly and holding back. Letting go will be painful, maybe more so for you than me in some ways, but love in the dark is even worse.” 

 

 

“You can go,” he said after long moments of heavy silence, tears pooled in his own eyes. “If you need to.”

 

 

“Thank you,” she responded, voice barely above a whisper.

 

 

“Does this mean I've lost you forever?” He didn't want to hurt her any more, but a life without her, even in the smallest of capacities was like a knife to the heart - he didn't know if he could handle it.

 

 

“I don't know,” she mused honestly. “If I feel strong enough I may find my way back around at some point, but that point is not now. Not even in the foreseeable future. I need to learn to let the light in again before I can think about that.”

 

 

“I'm so sorry,” he repeated softly into the nape of her neck. “This is all my fault.”

 

 

She didn't confirm or deny the declaration, didn't say anything else at all. Refusing to give him false hope of a future or a friendship that may never be, she stayed quiet and allowed her eyes to close.

 

 

The next person she was going to learn to love was herself. If she loved anyone else after re learning how to do that, it would be completely, and never in the dark.

 


End file.
